Today is the 30th May 2009 . First of all, i wanna wish my sister a very happy birthday . I know this is very lame, no presents or whatsoever for you, but i really do wish you a happy birthday . You're the best sister . =) . ( Closest too . )

Well, i'm thankful for people who care for me and tagged my blog, so . . . thank you all . 

One more week and the 3 weeks break is coming up, i do hope the swine flu is not gonna destroy any plans or stop any school . 

Another boring day, but i watched 2 movies online to spend the day alone . I don't blame my love, because it's not his fault that he had to go for the NDP rehearsal . So i guess for the next two and a half months i gotta spend my saturdays alone . 

Anyone wanna help me spend my saturdays by accompanying me to Starbucks at One Fullerton for a coffee on Saturdays afternoon ? =)

Au voir . Bon nuitt . 

Today is the 28th May 2009 . Went to school as usual and all the lecturers were talking about if the school closes due to the H1N1 virus we'd get e-learning instead . 

I really don't want anything like that, first e-learning sucks, second, if the closure is long, our 3 week break is burnt, which means to say the school will want us back during the supposed holidays . That sucks even more . But whatever it is, i don't think i have any control or right to say anything . 

Had my results back . 

Happy now ? 

I really don't know how much longer i can or could endure on . . . Many times i really feel like crying, so much so i told myself there's no reason for me to be that weak, i'm strong, always stronger than others, and that always made the tears stop flowing somehow or another . In every way, i'm better than others, i don't have what some people have, but that doesn't mean they have what i have either . Richer, so what, being poor bonds family together . Attached, so what, i am too . Single, so what, you still need time to find your life partner when i already found mine . 

There, another bunch of words i had to lie to myself . 

Yeah, i'm hopeless . So just leave me and forget me . 

Today is the 28th May 2009 . Don't really know why, but i'm feelin really tired this week, skipped 3 tutorials and 2 lectures this week . Some how, it's not mentally tired, but physically tired, and i don't recall doing anything tiring . 

Don't really know if i look forward to the 3 weeks break coming up either . 

Argh . I need a job, but at the same time i can't have a job . Because i just knew if i get a job i wouldn't get my studies in place . There goes my license again ? 

Back to square didn't i ?

I'll never get what i want - fact . 

Bye . 

Today is the 19th May 2009 . 

No idea why . . . but my mood swings drastically these few days . I don't take jokes anymore . I don't take crappy stuffs and i can't really tolerate things i don't like . I'm starting to prefer days on my own, doing things alone, and even going out with no one . The urge to smoke came back, a stronger one, and everytime i by pass the smoking area it makes me wanna head to 7-11 for a pack of cigarettes . Weekends seem worse than ever, the strong craving to club but i can't . 

Nothing else i can do, nothing else interest me, nothing else makes me feel happy . Perhaps i'm ready to die, got myself prepared for it . Life has no meaning to me . 

For a moment i felt like rushing towards the wall and hit my head real hard, get a memory loss or better, just die . 

My only goal now is to complete my diploma, even if i get D- for all modules . Because that's the last promise i'm gonna give perhaps in this life, and i gave it to my dad for a mistake i made . Once the goal is reached, i can tell god i'm all ready to go to hell . 

Trust me, i can predict that for the next 3 months my smiles and laughters is a fake, so just bear with the fakes . 

To that love :

Don't keep asking me what's troubling me, if i wanna make it known, it will be here, typed, if not, i wouldn't show a slightest problem what happen . 

Loves,

Chantel

Second post for the day because i'm more lethargic than ever . 

Is curled hair nicer or straight hair better ?

VS

So ? Please comment . =)

To my love, i shall leave a part what my daily blogging has to say and specially dedicate what i have to say for you, for this is what i pen down some nights before i drift off to sleep :

14th May 2009

You're on duty today and i can't sleep . . . as i lay on my bed, listening to the slow love songs play . . i think of you . Are you sneezing ? Because i miss you so much . I held back myself to text you i miss you because i knew you had a tired day and is fast asleep, don't want your phone ringings to disturb your rest or even wake you up. I have fell for you my dear boy . And i'm lucky to have given us a chance . Always loving . 

15th May 2009

I feel very down today . . whatever smiles i had i must say its a fake . I don't know why wouldn't i tell you i'm not happy, but the fact is why do i keep on using the same solution when i think of this issue inside me . Perhaps clubbing is indeed more important than you to me . Not sure why, maybe that's the only way out to breathe in this busy schedule for me . I . . . am crying . 

Today is the 16th May 2009 . I can't help but feel very sick of everything . So sick i told myself to turn in at 10pm last night and stop thinking about clubbing . 

School politics have become more serious than ever, free riders increasing, slackers and whatever shit that people try to do to make things seem done but actually, it's not even progressing at all . Okay, let's see how bad my school is : 

1. Global Business Environment :
- Tutor has the 'i don't give a damn shit about you as long as i get my own job done okay' attitude

- My project group has 3 other indians and 2 other chinese . One chinese is always absent, where the other is from China - blur in my opinion . Two indians are not at good terms and i can see all these indians are not even giving a slightest damn about coming Monday's presentation . Oh, and i suppose one of those indian will tell me she's not feeling well and not come to present like the previous time 

2. Taxation :

- Lecturer which is my tutor is gonna get transfer to another teaching institution in 2 weeks time, which means, things will change 

- Project due soon

3. Company Law :

- Just handed in project yesterday with the corporation china students and luckily, there's one singaporean working with me

- Tutor is brainless because she thinks that us complaining a free rider to her is a nonsense and she SAID it was childish 

4. Corporate Finance : 

- Everything still fine, project due soon . 

5. Cost Accounting :

- Couldn't get along with the class that i joined, sitting around girls who don't wanna talk to me

- CA coming up this Friday

6. Auditing ( Project based module ) :

- Had CA yesterday and it was bad

- Had troubles with grouping because of free rider and this one girl that everyone in the class don't really like her, and she's sticking with us eveywhere we go

7. Financial Accounting :

- Changed lecturer and tutor

- CA coming up soon

- Couldn't get along with class

To all free riders, people who try to show that they're working but they're not, the company law tutor and all the people who is sticking to us when you don't like you : 

Use your brains, open your eyes, and keep your mouths shut even if you wanna do the explaination . PLEASE take notice that people don't like you and please THINK if you have the smallest bird ass brain in that skull . If you think that people are claiming credits when you work your ass off is CHILDISH, then perhaps i can easily conclude why you're a company law lecturer and not working in the law industry earning big bucks . =) . Basically you don't know what is justice to begin with, haha . Here, allow me to explain justice to you . 

Justice is

Fairness

Dumb-ass . Go fuck the corpse and see maggots crawling on you . 

Today is the 13th May 2009 . Had quite an unpleasant day today . Haven't clubbed for weeks and it's breaking me down . Somehow or another, clubbing seems more than anything else to perk me up and bring me back together, it's like my motivation, my confidence, the only reason why i live with fun . I'm officially craving to club, cashless to club, crying to club . But i'm holding myself back, i'm biting my teeth tight, so tight i felt that at any point of time i can just stop doing all my tutorials at night and head to a club to free myself . 

Projects are starting to roll in and due dates are all the same, i'm not surprise that tests pop out and sticks on nicely on the project due date itself . Even though i didn't say it out, but it's saddening to know that my name is no longer on the DAC/04 list . Well, even if it is, my photo isn't there, so . . . i'm removed from the class . Projects and assignments now are with different people, and it is this part that make things sick and irritating . I don't wish to say it here, but my efforts to complete the projects seem to flow down the drain . I do because it have to do, i listen because i need to, and i talk to those people because it's part of the requirement to discuss . 

My life - messy, crushed, held back . 

The only moment i look forward to is us being together . 

I don't care who reads my blog, be it a total stranger, a friend or perhaps someone i don't like, i still wanna be frank whenever i blog . 

When things don't turn out pleasant, i always tell myself, there're worse days i've had . But when things don't turn out right for you, i get very worried . Like when you seem so sick of work today more than usual, when you laid on my bed flipping right and left not resting, when i sense you're not really happy, there's this sudden urge to cry, because i felt hopeless and helpless that i can't make you any happier, that i can do nothing because this is your career and i have no right or way to make things better . Sometimes i sit around thinking about you and us, sometimes in long train rides and can't help but think i'm always better than other girls, because i have you i guess ? -laughs- I just know i'm better off for no reason, or for a reason which may perhaps says you're lousier than another guy but i don't care . I don't remove the ring on my finger unless i have a good reason, and i touch it with my thumb whenever i think about you . You have officially entered my life, if you still remember what it means when i told you about my uncle's death . Affectable, influencable and anything that may cause huge emotional wave to me . 

All for these emotional post, i hope for nothing more than everything being right and in place . 

With lotsa love,

Chantel

Today is the 5th May 2009 . 

I'm a bit worried about my cho dear dear . Get well real soon, =/ . 

Just as any normal school day today, except when i woke up just on my way for a shower, i saw Er Jie still in bed . She overslept . Well well, then i got curious why my parents' room's door was shut, because usually when my Dad goes to work at 7.30am, my Mom goes back to sleep with the door wide open . After that i got to know Dad complained too tired so he didn't work either . Same genes . 

Went to school for costing tutorial and company law lecture, then came home . 

Not sure where i got this crazy idea from, but i went to wet my hair, and asked my sis to tie braid for me, then blew it dry . And it curls ! But not for long . So i'm trying it now, gonna get it tied till tomorrow morning and see how it goes . 

While i went home for the 3 hours break in between, the clique saw Cheryl in school ! Yeah, she quit school, then came back again . They're so happy to see her ! ! =) . For me, i'm happy to know that she's back . =) . Honestly, the same old group of people still rock my school life . 

For now, all those who're sick and un-well . Wish you people a quick recovery . 

Blog again soon, au voir !

Today is the 4th May 2009 . Another day, another week, another lonely time myself . I never thought Mondays could be this blue until i got this bloody shit timetable . All because i didn't study enough . Like i said, i never regret failing those modules, because i've been through times that made me learnt and those days that i really had fun and felt the happiest girl in the world . Apparently, i'm not going to have those moments again . . . no, at least not something within my expectation of life anymore . 

Really wanna club and drink badly, but i've been really broke these few days . Man, i'm looking forward to ladies night now . I miss the music and basses pouring loud on my face, i miss the gush of alcohol down my throat, i miss the red faced me, and i definitely miss the feeling of getting high dancing . Clubbing really rocked my world . 

Started my first practical lesson again with a new instructor, this time it's at Yio Chu Kang, under CDC . The instructor was really nice and i drove a lancer sports GT . Not even a time that i store the car ! Well, i really wish everything goes well this time . 

Work hard, Chantel ! Fight for what you like, then go for what you want . 

Today is the 1st May 2009 . Oh look, the year is almost half passed and we've been together for 10 months . 

I really hope everything is the best for us . 

My recent post might be a little short, that's because i'm so speechless . And i don't know why . 

First week of school really kinda sucks . Lotsa things i hadda do alone, and people tends to treat me like a dangerous stranger . 

Driving this sunday, and i'm soon cashless again . What's wrong with me ?

Does this gives a better reason so that i can club ?

Hmmm, i'm sorry i got angry at you . You still give the best hugs and kisses . I miss you .